aspiring sentient alchemist’s blog

Why do so many blogs start off with "How did I get back here again?"...or something of the like?

Of course it's obvious to me that I need to pay attention. Life is basically smacking me on the back of the head because I was nodding off in "class" again. With so many things to pay attention to...how do I keep things in check? Maybe I should try and create some sort of list of minimum requirements to meet on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. Absurd. I remember now that I’ve tried that before. It was a pain in the ass, I didn't complete it, and I realized that things are constantly changing, therefore, "how often would I have to update this g'damn list, or how long would it be relevant?" I suppose I haven't completely given up the idea...but it does seem a bit OCD.

I didn't catch it earlier. About a month now I’ve been waking up with anxiety in the pit of my gut. Not even every morning, but even a couple times a week is enough to tell me I’m not paying attention. At first I tried to chalk it up to just being stressed about finances or how much needed to be done that day. Perhaps that was part of it, but that's not where it ends.

The last 3 or so times I’ve been taking the time to respect that feeling and figure out where the hell it comes from so I can make it go away. Is it the problems with him? Money? Am I used to getting up at first light for my workouts so much that I feel guilty when I don't "hop to it"? Is some deep unfulfilled emotion trying to speak louder to get my attention? ...Can I not be in the silence and alone with my thoughts and feelings? ...something is not right...

That last one really hit a soft spot. Dammit. One of the things I love that bring me a sense of stability IS my ability to be alone with my thoughts and feelings without distractions. The thought comes, how long has it been since you've done that? I can't even answer. I don't think I’ve given myself enough of a chance lately. I’m always doing something. Work, reading, activities, working out, the occasional journaling (which I used to be more consistent with), t.v. (ouch)...
always doing.

And usually when I can't just be with my thoughts/emotions it's a huge red flag for me. So "here I am again" not fulfilled about some aspect(s) of my life, and immediately I want to distract myself by fixing it. Which isn't bad, but it isn't different either. I don't like the idea of just "sitting with the emotions" because it feels like I’m wasting time or wallowing in it, when I could be questioning it and taking it head on. I've gotten so much criticism for that. Of course I don't want to sit with it...it's unpleasant. I assume there must be something extremely powerful about having the ability to do that because of how many spiritual leaders and conscious people mention it. What do I get from it though? Perhaps the ability to be with reality the way it is, perhaps it brings a deep acceptance for what is, or even the ability to appreciate and receive from those things that we resist in our lives. Which, honestly, sounds nice and all...but I don't even know how to do it! So frustrating! I suppose that's why it would hold the key to so much, right? Isn't that the way it goes? The more you suffer for some spiritual truth rooted in change and reality, the more of a powerful insight you'll gain from it? ...is it just me who thinks this? I've never been keen on the idea of having to suffer for consciousness, though I realize it's an inherent part of growth...I don't think every spiritual truth needs to be integrated this way, right?

To continue...really, it's a combination of all the things that I asked myself. That’s why I’m here.

What can I do about it? Well, I think I need to change it up a bit. Spend more time alone with my thoughts and a pen in hand. I can't keep ignoring the fact that I’m afraid and unsatisfied with a lot in my life right now. Going to a counselor isn’t' going bring the ends together faster if I don't really participate outside of the sessions. Am I trying to work on too many things at once? ::shrugs:: well I know this is a powerful place to start. I can feel it. And it's obvious because it's screaming the loudest.

I have a love hate relationship with being in this state of mind. It brings such clarity and strength, and yet I’m always apprehensive about what I’ll find.

...I'm going for a walk...

It was so clear, I was there, I had it, It had me

Lessons I learned at an age dubbed "too young" by myself

No one is coming to save you.
Harsh realities
Denying them, running from them, this can’t be true
They keep feeding me stories of happy endings, so I must be wrong
I wasn’t.

 Face the situation, wince all you like, head on with true authentic humility.
Let them stone you with your own words
50 lashes of spoken harshness
You know what you’re responsible for, you change, you grow
Wait
You’re too young to know this
Painful lessons, painful situations make me question my pre-timed realizations
Fall into step

And so many others…
Why did I forsake my intuitive authentic expression of wisdom?
When did I lose touch with these, and so many other, deep truths?
When did I abandon these gifts and fill the void with stories?

What is it about polyamory that I have such issues with? I don’t have a problem with other people living that way, so long as they don’t impose it on me, try to influence my relationship, or have influence over my partner. I mean shit, I have friends who are poly or in open arrangements...it works well for them...doesn't bother me...so what the fuck right???

Emotional monogamy. That is the perfect term for it, not poly, but for open sexual arrangements.

How attached is he to these ideas? How much does he desire to try it? And is his desire for it so strong that it will completely ruin our relationship eventually?

Funny he called just now while I was typing. I asked of course, he says not. I’m not totally convinced. I think one of my biggest fears is being in a monogamous relationship and then way later on having my partner decide they want to explore being open sexually. Because really, even if we discuss it and I’m still set on it not being that way…that doesn’t make the desire go away for them. They just want what they can’t have even more. Would anything make it go away short of them having that experience?

I sigh. Perhaps I’m crazy. I’ve got one foot in the progressive world, and the other in the old world. I’m a walking contradiction. Here is one example of where being unique can seem bad. If he’s not the one…where the hell would I find a partner like myself? Is something wrong with me? I wonder sometimes why I can’t just be more like everyone else when it comes to this. It would certainly save me a lot of heartache.

Interesting concept: our stories are our way of explaining our existence, and to define what cannot be defined. (referring to personal stories we create about our lives, and our personas, and false selves.)

Thinking about this I realize this is so ingrained in who we are as humans. Centuries and centuries ago, we humans created stories about the natural world and universe around us to explain the inexplicable: storms, floods, lightning, stars, and constellations.

Is it because we have to know? Can we not have a question mark hanging, or is it really all about being scared of the unknown?

So how do we break away from this pattern? Is it even possible? Perhaps we have to embrace this as a part of our humanity, and find a more up to date way of integrating this aspect of ourselves. I don’t have a clue as to how to do that at this point. Would it require redefining or inserting a new mythos? If we identified our stories, then we might be able to insert another story (since that seems to be our M.O.), one that would flow well with the truth and reality of our situations. Does that make sense? Am I on the right track?

Surrender II

exploration with being vulnerable and completely authentic have lead me to some new realizations
...well, i knew of them in myself, however i didn't allow them to surface until now.

one big one, i'm more comfortable with women sexually than males
one wouldn't think this would be a surprise to me since i openly admit to being bi-sexual
when i thought about it though
i realized that i a know what to do with women more than men
my first sexual experiences with women were more comfortable exploration
there was no demand to perform or meet some expectation drawn up from media like there was with males
so i always felt safe

i never gave myself permission to do that with males
and when i think of it the guys i opened up to wouldn't have been open to that...at least it didn't seem that way
they were always too quick to get what they wanted
granted we're talking about teens, but i didn't meet any males that expressed the openness women did

so when i was with guys even if i felt a pressure to perform and meet expectations...
i such raging hormones that i quickly got past that and didn't really admit i didn't know what i was doing
i was only changing what i did or imagined with girls to apply it to them.
as a result, i left this void with men and my sexuality
i felt as though i missed out on an opportunity to really explore what men like, what to do with them

so now i almost feel like i have beginner's mind, which can be amazing
although i feel a bit embarrassed
i mean here i am in my 20's and i feel like a novice admitting this to myself

plus on one hand my mind wants to tell me it doesn't make sense
i mean i've had many healing, spiritual, hot, amazing, pleasurable experiences with men...
well mainly with my husband really
he's amazing!

when i discussed this with him the other day
he was so nurturing and understanding
he assured me that he is here for me
gave me full permission to be totally vulnerable and explore at a pace that is comfortable, safe, and fun for me

still i have this nagging voice in my mind that tells me that admitting this to him and opening myself up like this will end in my own pain
that he'll find other women who boast sexual prowess to be more and more appealing
so in a way it exposes insecurities with feeling like less than a woman compared to others
fears of abandonment
of being toooo vulnerable with someone who could take that and run
cause me pain as he has before, only this time i'd be way more open

but isn't that the way we're supposed to love
openly
as if there were no past
and wouldn't i be opening the doors to newer experiences of depth, or of greater heights than previously imagined?
imagine loving openly
living to that degree
fully experiencing the passion writers tempt us with...
i wonder if i'll make it there

i'd like to sustain that feeling of wanting to live each moment so open
when you're so available to the universe...
how can anything touch you?
you are impervious to the mortal perils we fool ourselves into believing

i was reading an article before i went to sleep last night. it was centered around this quote:

"This day will not come again. This day will never come again. These beautiful flowers, this gentle breeze, this sunset, this particular alchemy of nature will never gather together again in this perfect unity. This day on earth shall never come again."

for some reason it struck me the way a something captures you because of the "purity of its truth". now a days i pass over simple truths like this more than i used to and don't take the time to allow them to sink into my reality and melt with my conscious perspective. but not this time...though it wasn't a strong pull, i still felt the need to reflect on this. and also to allow myself even just 3 minutes for the natural mind meditation exercise i was going to try. 

i did the natural mind meditation exercise first. with all the normal thoughts running through my head, and the thoughts stopping as well. the thoughts they told me would arise...like: what am i supposed to feel or notice? my thoughts stop when i place attention on them...then what? how do you watch your thoughts without following them? and so on. after thinking of eckhart tolle talking about allowing the "no" to be and following the advice about the practice to return to putting attention on my breathing...i was able to touch something i can't really describe. no...i wasn't enlightened...no i didn't have some great realization, at least not by the terms we use to describe that. 

i was able to notice different voices as thoughts. one questioned, one tried to solve with offering solutions, one worried, one tried to label them all, one with all the "shouldn'ts, and another to try and tell me they were all wrong....and still others my monkey mind couldn't quite compartmentalize to file away and label, which was annoying, but comforting that i noticed this. i would try to every once in a while remind myself to watch, almost as if it was a window or images on a t.v. that i watched with the intent of noticing...and for some reason it seemed to come from my forehead. i suppose that can make sense on a couple levels. 

anyhow i did that for a few minutes and then decided to return to that article with the quote. after reading it i looked around me and noticed more. the soft light in the bedroom was always comforting...but this time it made everything more interesting as well. i noticed how it made everything look differently. my husband's hair became fascinating for some reason. it wasn't just the way things looked, it felt different...it reminded me of times past, in my youth and other times, where i felt comforted by this type of light and enjoyed being in it very much. i thought about the quote. it's true, and yet somehow i'd passed it off as one of those cliche type of sayings..."blah blah this day won't come again blah blah" hahaha this time the blah blah meant something much more. 

i started to look around the room and had a deep appreciation for everything the way it was. my pile of messy clothes with a blanket and lanterns piled on the side bathed in this light. for some reason i kept looking at everything as though i might never see these things that same way again. those clothes and stuff will never look the same to me today or anytime. it seems silly,but i felt that way. even going as far as feeling as though i was in the future having a deep appreciation for things missed, or comforting things, or being nostalgic really. i thought perhaps the reason i was able to look at things this way now is because i'm at a stage in life where i can look back not just at childhood but at some larger life experiences. i do look back and miss certain things that were subtle and brought me peace, but i miss them i think because i never fully enjoyed and appreciated them the way i would today. i wasn't thinking in terms of never having those moments and scenes converging in just that special and unique way...no matter how mundane. 

but how to keep up with this new perspective. how could i keep this new tool that i liked as a part of my life? i know myself well enough to know that reminding myself in a rote way wouldn't serve me. the meaning would fall in a pile with all the rest of the meaningful treasures i've found that i "played out" for myself. so how to do this then? how to meld this into my perspective?

i thought of returning to the light, to noticing...which is one way of saying being extremely in the present. but i did it. and i thought i could do that again. and i tried it out. i scanned the room, looking over messes and glasses and then my husband, his skin, him. he turned and bit me softly having no idea how much i was appreciating him in that moment. the arch of his armpit was intriguing, i ran my finger through a groove several times and relished in the sensory overload in my physical and energetic self. it felt as though that could be something. and then i thought of things that had passed in my life much like these ordinary moments that i missed, and it brought an appreciation back. so the light, noticing, and thinking back or thinking from that perspective of being in the future looking back. 

but what about unpleasant moments. how could you bring this into that? what triggered this was a feeling i had when i was feeling peaceful last night and something in my environment changed. for a moment i thought it ruined the moment. but then i realized it was just my resistence to that moment going into the next one. and i thought of the impemanence of things. even more of a reason to fully take them in while they happen. so how could i apply this to the ever changing moment and not resisting but also how could i take this into "unpleasant" moments. 

i thought of when my husband and i were engaged before and were broken up. i had one place to stay, in my mom's dinning room. i made a makeshift room and my walls were book shelves and chairs. it was hard staying on a new rental twin bed with a cheap hard mattress. the mornings were the worst, and going to sleep was painful too. so i thought back to those moments, how could i savor those moments as the quote had offered? how funny that the "see the positive in everything" cliche came running in. really though...i had the bed to myself, i curled up with one of my kitties, i could make the bed whichever way i wanted, and once i got comfortable the only one who was going to possibly undo that was zen (my male cat). there were moments in my aloneness there where i found my moments of solitude and had a feeling of, however masked, appreciation and peace. so i thought perhaps remembering this concept from the quote in those moments would bring me back to this. i thought about my weight and wanting to be 10 pounds lighter, that proved harder. but finding comfort in that even in a small way helped me feel more authentic. interesting...i'm still resisting that. anyhow...

i had another thought this morning. my husband left for work and i usually jump out of bed and force myself to get going. this morning i decided to do something different. i decided to return to looking at things with the light. it was a bit harder this time. i guess i haven't noticed this low level anxiety that accompanies me beginning my day, like a low level hum. the moment i tried to pay attention to it or change that pattern it got louder. i normally, but not always, give in. time. time is a huge issue it seems. i had things to do, deadlines to meet (personal ones), the thoughts started racing: if i don't use this anxious energy to get up now...i won't workout, if i wait til this passes i'll be here for too long and it'll interfere with my day, (at this point my stomach started to take part and turn and tumble), i don't want to, i won't figure this out now. as i lay there i listened to each one of those voices bring their complaints. and returned to my breath. after that i looked around and tried using my tools, the ones i was trying to keep from last night. i waited, i enjoyed the way my body felt, and as i did i realized that my body actually felt quite comfy, like i was floating in some peaceful place, but those anxious thoughts kept trying to start in. i waited a bit more enjoying what i could, and when i felt enough of it had gone i got up, and almost started to hurry about to get things done. 

not this time. i experimented and decided to take out the trash, clean the counter in the bathroom a bit. i enjoyed how peaceful  it was to walk outside and took my time. i decided that even though i was tired, that this was a better way to start my day, and i was going to show myself and that anxious voice that i could workout and get things done despite what it had to say. i'm sure i'll really hear it tomorrow morning...or perhaps not. but for now i'm enjoying this. 

i also wondered as i was working out about how to savor those moments. i couldn't take time to notice the light, i couldn't stop and think about things as much, i had to concentrate on working out. when i paused i took time to appreciate the cool breeze coming through the window and brushing up against my body, the smell seemed to permeate my senses. i tried to then really just feel while working out. feel the muscle groups working, try not to just zone out and get through it. even though i was tired and just wanted to get it out of the way, i decided to feel. it didn't stay with me the whole time, but it helped. that's when i decided i should start writing these things down so i don't forget. 

then i took time after my workout, as i've been doing this week, to lay on my back...breath...and "relax my third eye" ( as my husband told me one day in bed not long ago...i bet he had no idea that i would integrate that into my daily life ). i realize these moments are important. and though i don't feel like i've made some pivotal realization, i think it means something to recognize this and try to integrate it. 

who knows...we'll see how long this ends up lasting. i hope it stays though, and doesn't go in that pile of cliches i "played out". 

"This day will not come again. This day will never come again. These beautiful flowers, this gentle breeze, this sunset, this particular alchemy of nature will never gather together again in this perfect unity. This day on earth shall never come again." ~Thomas Merton~ (Trappist monk)

absolutely fitting for the name I chose. this absolution.

...exactly.

now I feel I can truly be free. too much time wasted on lies, secrets, guilt, and paranoya.
NO ONE HOLDS ANYTHING OVER ME ANYMORE!

I...I alone set myself free.

for a moment I thought I might not have the courage to tell all. but once I started...no matter how painful...I knew..I could not stop. if I was going to do this, I would need to do it fully and with integrity. the lies came spilling over. pauses and crying I told my horrible story. there it was laid out for him. years ago I was a harlot, I was the pimp, and I self sabotaged a beautiful relationship out of fear. I punished myself for nearly 3 yrs, and I allowed myself to be punished by him because of my own guilt.

I know there is some unwritten rule amongst some that says you can be unfaithful at the beginning of a relationship. though I’ve done this in the past, I don't feel that it was right...especially in his case.

I knew then that he was the most amazing person I’d ever had in a relationship. I felt so open, so naked, so comfortably exposed. for the first time I could tell my male partner anything and it would be ok. I could tell him about attractions, or things that may hurt him...and it was ok. for the first time in my life I didn't want to cheat, and for the first time in my life I felt I had a relationship filled with integrity. and I don't mean the kind of integrity that people pass off as integrity today. I mean integrity the way you imagine it would be in some chivalrous pagan tale.

somehow, we all slip into our dark habits. I’m no different. I was hurt by him, and proved many men the world over right when they say that women are vindictive. I faltered...5 times. with 2 friends of his (male and a female), 1 less close friend of his, 1 past lover, 1 past fling, and 1 random person.

...I fucked up royally.

...you hate me don't you? that is...if anyone is even reading this

when they say, "people always get their comeuppance", they're really right. accept...I did it to myself. also, our relationship saw hard times. we broke up twice and the last time was supposed to be forever. every bit of it...I thought I deserved in some way. and i did on some levels, but on the other hand he played his part in it and had no right to treat me in such a manner as well. he got his comeuppance too. we took turns being the victim and the abuser (emotionally). we saw bright times that ended far quicker than they should've on account of hidden secrets dragging me down a watery abyss, and the distance he created when he projected himself a million miles away.

but spirit had other plans for us. we were, as we knew all along in our hearts, meant to be together. and not in some hallmark way. but when you see the things we've seen, put us on parallel paths even when we weren't together, seen the synchronicities, and felt the gentle tug of spirit on the hems of our consciousness...then you would know, as we do, this is deeper than we even understand.

we married last year. it was beautiful. a part of me felt that I could cut ties with my "past life" and never have to speak of what haunted me. the people in our lives were constant reminders of what I was trying to conceal. I gave my word...better than gold, more than a promise, and only meant to be broken in death or being released from it. but if my word meant not giving this connection the purity it deserved...I could no longer hold myself to it, or label it honor to keep my word.

knowing I was putting my marriage at risk, and those who also gave their word. I broke my word for the first time in my life. for a chance at pure integrity in our connection as we once had, for...this absolution.

I was shocked to find that I am married to the most forgiving, understanding, loving, compassionate partner anyone could hope for, especially in our modern age. long story shorter...and for the sake of happy fingers...we talked, we embraced, we cried, we smiled and connected genuinely. more will come up...I know. however, my fears of abandonment proved unfounded. I feel a sense of peace that continues to grow. I saw through my eyes as I hadn't seen through them in almost 3 years, and I looked into the love of my life with great presence.

how hidden I was...not just from him, but also myself. I see how this bleed, poisoned, and fanned the flames of completely separate problems. I see how I lost my spirituality in myself, not because I was having trouble connecting to it through some self help medium but for dark lies. not even nature could coax me out of my darkness. all the while I had the power, and now I have finally used it. no longer will I have to look over my shoulder and perk up my ears, or masterfully mind situations and take great care in details...for no one will be telling him anything he doesn't already know now.

I am beyond lucky or blessed to have him by my side...and I by his.

and here is where it begins...

this.
absolution.

Surrender II

Resting

the moment often arises in the midst of the fog
where you find you've been drawn to a glimmering shimmering golden light
it beckons you closer, and though you can't feel it's warmth...you sense it
the memory of what it feels like is what keeps you, warms you and embraces you as it draws you in

the bassy beats
the mellow tone
the siren's deep song
they were all agents of spirit
 
i feel it...me...
vibrating, numb-tingling running through my veins
expansion from conscious thought
i feel it like a butterfly fluttering just above my skin
sensations of flight fill me
sending chills through my body

i won't label this feeling
i've learned at least that much

*may you all experience this at least once today*

Angry. Feeling alone. How did it come back to this?

fleeting moments of realization
the atrophied muscles becoming seen
as i try to move through i see my weaknesses
the pain...so much brighter than the sun...i have to turn away
business as usual doesn't work and i wonder what really does
at a loss and lost in the mists of the maze buried in the deep hidden places of the heart
frustration rules, madness has the key
somehow the strength that prevailed seems to fail me

hate is such a strong word
i can't bring myself to fully mean it when i think i hate some parts of him
how else shall i describe my loathing of his human actions
venting doesn't seem worth the torment
"be with the pain, go into it, be present with it, allow it to pass through you, breath with it, let it be there"...
what does this feel like?
what does it really mean?
why don't i seem to be able to grasp this?

mirrors and smoke
illusions, deceptions, mirrages
pointless hopelessness
loss

i think on what i read the other day
"let their spears tear into your heart and make their scars"
"open wide your heart"
"ferociously open heart"
"there is nothing to protect"
...nothing?
my heart, myself...
do my emotions put me in mortal danger (myself)? No.
will my heart stop beating? No.
what am i really trying to say...
my heart, myself = my emotions, the pain
if i am completely open i would have nothing to fear
if i knew how to go into the pain and let it pass through me and be present
i would have nothing to fear

can someone tell me how the fuck i do this?!?!

when i'm confronted with "it" i am afraid
that it will last for a looong time or forever, it did with my mother
that i would just be feeding it
that i would wallow in it and destroy all that is around me
that i would destroy myself
sometimes i think if i were to go deeper and further with it...into the depths...perhaps i may finally be free
they say that for some it takes hitting the absolute bottom of pain before experiencing satori

is it a dream only meant for some?

the lines are blurring
i don't know where i am anymore
some would say that's good, i might even say that if someone else had been the one saying it
i feel my strength leaving me
trickling out of my body like mist
afraid to breath lest i let out more

why can't i just come home and do what i enjoy?
a question i posed to myself the other day was:
what would i be doing right now if i didn't have to worry about disappointing someone else?
if it wasn't wrong being me...what would i do?
what would make me happy?
what do i like in my daily routine?
what makes home...home to me?

this morning a scary series of thoughts that began while in the shower (you know...the kind that happen in a blink):
i looked and saw i needed more body wash...i was out
i thought i need to buy some
then the thought continued to...
oh...i better not...who knows how much longer...
and...oh yes...you know the rest
i stopped it, but was shocked
later i thought it must have come up because i feel like i've been transported back in time to a dark dark place
this whole paragraph doesn't make sense to anyone but me, it's ok

starting a dialogue
i profess my innocence
nah, i'm not having it
but it's not my fault either
...is it?
the certainty sooo reassuring says a familiar voice
oh her, how many are there of us in here?
the voices that answer make me dizzy

a lovely distraction comes through with some help from me and a nudge from the universe
*tears* and a conversation with a friend from afar
and i remember more of who i am and what loves face looks like when it's unconditional and out there for all to see
"it's powerful medicine"
...yes...i like that...it sounds right...the time is coming...

turned my face from the goddess
reminded through dreams and totems
spirit shows me where my attention is needed
i thought it was a path that would disolve
why continue it then?
pursue unraveling the mystery, letting the veil of illusion go, seeing the real and expressing the higher being
...a worthy cause...
but did i toss the other aside in my search for truth?
where do i begin to pick up the pieces?
what is?
can i really see what is in this state?

this feels surreal

i feel like i live a life separate from the one i live
like a parallel universe, lived only in this reality simultaneously
...

Prncsmon.6

i was noticing how much the pantry cabinet has changed over the last months, and i had one of those time stopping movie feeling nostalgic moments. you know the ones that seem to be significant, but when you describe them it sounds the same as describing something as simple as picking up a pen. i don't know why it struck me, i guess for a moment i realized again how much has changed in our lives. displayed in front of me i felt both ends of the spectrum, mostly i felt happiness. it sounds simple but i mostly like our lil cabinet. if someone had catalogued what was in this pantry over the last year it would say a lot. i closed it in a pensive way. have you ever closed something like that? it's happened so many times i don't every really stop to think about it, but i do enjoy those moments...most times. everything seems to slow for moment while you linger on the thought or realization only a moment before, it feels like you're swimming in it.

funny how the simple things can feel so profound. someone will read this and wonder if i've ever really experienced anything profound. i think that because i have i can see the profundity in these smaller moments.

it makes me think of the state of the apartment, where it was, what it's like now, where it seems to be going. it makes me sad. although last night as i lay on the part of the couch my cat hadn't pissed on that evening i enjoyed the living room for the 1st time in a long time. it was another small moment, but i won't forget it. the tone of light seemed peaceful, though it's the same color that's been there all this time. somehow in that moment it was comforting and warm. i smiled, and realized i was afraid to ruin it. i realized what that meant and let it go. and i returned to the moment...it didn't leave...i did. isn't that the way it is with things though. we leave mentally, emotionally, or more obviously physically.

interesting thought...then where am i now? have i left or have we both? i can see it, us both leaving again and all that's left is the projections, a shell of what we wanted. we kill it don't we love?

i'm not sure where to go from here. i feel i'm watching and can't stop it. it makes my head spin. events come and go, moments slip through, days pass like city lights, and my head spins watching the signs pass on the subway...everything is blurring and i don't know where the lines are anymore, i look back and i can't see the starting point. if it's out of sight for us both then how will we find our way out. the adage "the blind leading the blind" feels appropriate here. i wonder how this will all turn out, sometimes i feel helpless. i'm here because i love him and part of me thinks there is no way that we can fail again...i can't let us. but i can't carry it all like i once did. sometimes it seems like the same problems and feelings have come up only to be swapped for others. it's like we came together and then traded off the problems we had and contributed, and here we are we doing things the other did but the problems are mostly the same. it's hard to describe.

it's not all morbid, i just need to balance out the emotions. i do love him so much. i wish he felt the way i want someone to feel about me. good thing is i don't want that someone to be someone else, before in our worst moments as we were about to break up i did wish sometimes that it would be someone else that would feel that way about me...just to restore my faith. really i think sometimes i want the impossible. maybe i do. maybe i should give it up (the dream of having someone feel those feelings for me), sounds like a child's dream. i am happy that he loves me so much, and he does try so hard, and he has grown...we've both done all these things. but at least now he's actually doing it too. i'm extatic about it even if it isn't conveyed here. i wish he knew that at least. i don't want to lose him again...and the thing is he doesn't either. so wtf right? i think counseling will unlock so much. anyhow...i'm obviously losing steam...i wrote what i needed to.