Life says, "Pay attention dammit!"

Why do so many blogs start off with "How did I get back here again?"...or something of the like?

Of course it's obvious to me that I need to pay attention. Life is basically smacking me on the back of the head because I was nodding off in "class" again. With so many things to pay attention to...how do I keep things in check? Maybe I should try and create some sort of list of minimum requirements to meet on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. Absurd. I remember now that I’ve tried that before. It was a pain in the ass, I didn't complete it, and I realized that things are constantly changing, therefore, "how often would I have to update this g'damn list, or how long would it be relevant?" I suppose I haven't completely given up the idea...but it does seem a bit OCD.

I didn't catch it earlier. About a month now I’ve been waking up with anxiety in the pit of my gut. Not even every morning, but even a couple times a week is enough to tell me I’m not paying attention. At first I tried to chalk it up to just being stressed about finances or how much needed to be done that day. Perhaps that was part of it, but that's not where it ends.

The last 3 or so times I’ve been taking the time to respect that feeling and figure out where the hell it comes from so I can make it go away. Is it the problems with him? Money? Am I used to getting up at first light for my workouts so much that I feel guilty when I don't "hop to it"? Is some deep unfulfilled emotion trying to speak louder to get my attention? ...Can I not be in the silence and alone with my thoughts and feelings? ...something is not right...

That last one really hit a soft spot. Dammit. One of the things I love that bring me a sense of stability IS my ability to be alone with my thoughts and feelings without distractions. The thought comes, how long has it been since you've done that? I can't even answer. I don't think I’ve given myself enough of a chance lately. I’m always doing something. Work, reading, activities, working out, the occasional journaling (which I used to be more consistent with), t.v. (ouch)...
always doing.

And usually when I can't just be with my thoughts/emotions it's a huge red flag for me. So "here I am again" not fulfilled about some aspect(s) of my life, and immediately I want to distract myself by fixing it. Which isn't bad, but it isn't different either. I don't like the idea of just "sitting with the emotions" because it feels like I’m wasting time or wallowing in it, when I could be questioning it and taking it head on. I've gotten so much criticism for that. Of course I don't want to sit with it...it's unpleasant. I assume there must be something extremely powerful about having the ability to do that because of how many spiritual leaders and conscious people mention it. What do I get from it though? Perhaps the ability to be with reality the way it is, perhaps it brings a deep acceptance for what is, or even the ability to appreciate and receive from those things that we resist in our lives. Which, honestly, sounds nice and all...but I don't even know how to do it! So frustrating! I suppose that's why it would hold the key to so much, right? Isn't that the way it goes? The more you suffer for some spiritual truth rooted in change and reality, the more of a powerful insight you'll gain from it? ...is it just me who thinks this? I've never been keen on the idea of having to suffer for consciousness, though I realize it's an inherent part of growth...I don't think every spiritual truth needs to be integrated this way, right?

To continue...really, it's a combination of all the things that I asked myself. That’s why I’m here.

What can I do about it? Well, I think I need to change it up a bit. Spend more time alone with my thoughts and a pen in hand. I can't keep ignoring the fact that I’m afraid and unsatisfied with a lot in my life right now. Going to a counselor isn’t' going bring the ends together faster if I don't really participate outside of the sessions. Am I trying to work on too many things at once? ::shrugs:: well I know this is a powerful place to start. I can feel it. And it's obvious because it's screaming the loudest.

I have a love hate relationship with being in this state of mind. It brings such clarity and strength, and yet I’m always apprehensive about what I’ll find.

...I'm going for a walk...