subtle experiences to remember

May 25, 2007 at 12:11 PM
Post a comment

i was reading an article before i went to sleep last night. it was centered around this quote:

"This day will not come again. This day will never come again. These beautiful flowers, this gentle breeze, this sunset, this particular alchemy of nature will never gather together again in this perfect unity. This day on earth shall never come again."

for some reason it struck me the way a something captures you because of the "purity of its truth". now a days i pass over simple truths like this more than i used to and don't take the time to allow them to sink into my reality and melt with my conscious perspective. but not this time...though it wasn't a strong pull, i still felt the need to reflect on this. and also to allow myself even just 3 minutes for the natural mind meditation exercise i was going to try.

i did the natural mind meditation exercise first. with all the normal thoughts running through my head, and the thoughts stopping as well. the thoughts they told me would arise...like: what am i supposed to feel or notice? my thoughts stop when i place attention on them...then what? how do you watch your thoughts without following them? and so on. after thinking of eckhart tolle talking about allowing the "no" to be and following the advice about the practice to return to putting attention on my breathing...i was able to touch something i can't really describe. no...i wasn't enlightened...no i didn't have some great realization, at least not by the terms we use to describe that.

i was able to notice different voices as thoughts. one questioned, one tried to solve with offering solutions, one worried, one tried to label them all, one with all the "shouldn'ts, and another to try and tell me they were all wrong....and still others my monkey mind couldn't quite compartmentalize to file away and label, which was annoying, but comforting that i noticed this. i would try to every once in a while remind myself to watch, almost as if it was a window or images on a t.v. that i watched with the intent of noticing...and for some reason it seemed to come from my forehead. i suppose that can make sense on a couple levels.

anyhow i did that for a few minutes and then decided to return to that article with the quote. after reading it i looked around me and noticed more. the soft light in the bedroom was always comforting...but this time it made everything more interesting as well. i noticed how it made everything look differently. my husband's hair became fascinating for some reason. it wasn't just the way things looked, it felt different...it reminded me of times past, in my youth and other times, where i felt comforted by this type of light and enjoyed being in it very much. i thought about the quote. it's true, and yet somehow i'd passed it off as one of those cliche type of sayings..."blah blah this day won't come again blah blah" hahaha this time the blah blah meant something much more.

i started to look around the room and had a deep appreciation for everything the way it was. my pile of messy clothes with a blanket and lanterns piled on the side bathed in this light. for some reason i kept looking at everything as though i might never see these things that same way again. those clothes and stuff will never look the same to me today or anytime. it seems silly,but i felt that way. even going as far as feeling as though i was in the future having a deep appreciation for things missed, or comforting things, or being nostalgic really. i thought perhaps the reason i was able to look at things this way now is because i'm at a stage in life where i can look back not just at childhood but at some larger life experiences. i do look back and miss certain things that were subtle and brought me peace, but i miss them i think because i never fully enjoyed and appreciated them the way i would today. i wasn't thinking in terms of never having those moments and scenes converging in just that special and unique way...no matter how mundane.

but how to keep up with this new perspective. how could i keep this new tool that i liked as a part of my life? i know myself well enough to know that reminding myself in a rote way wouldn't serve me. the meaning would fall in a pile with all the rest of the meaningful treasures i've found that i "played out" for myself. so how to do this then? how to meld this into my perspective?

i thought of returning to the light, to noticing...which is one way of saying being extremely in the present. but i did it. and i thought i could do that again. and i tried it out. i scanned the room, looking over messes and glasses and then my husband, his skin, him. he turned and bit me softly having no idea how much i was appreciating him in that moment. the arch of his armpit was intriguing, i ran my finger through a groove several times and relished in the sensory overload in my physical and energetic self. it felt as though that could be something. and then i thought of things that had passed in my life much like these ordinary moments that i missed, and it brought an appreciation back. so the light, noticing, and thinking back or thinking from that perspective of being in the future looking back.

but what about unpleasant moments. how could you bring this into that? what triggered this was a feeling i had when i was feeling peaceful last night and something in my environment changed. for a moment i thought it ruined the moment. but then i realized it was just my resistence to that moment going into the next one. and i thought of the impemanence of things. even more of a reason to fully take them in while they happen. so how could i apply this to the ever changing moment and not resisting but also how could i take this into "unpleasant" moments.

i thought of when my husband and i were engaged before and were broken up. i had one place to stay, in my mom's dinning room. i made a makeshift room and my walls were book shelves and chairs. it was hard staying on a new rental twin bed with a cheap hard mattress. the mornings were the worst, and going to sleep was painful too. so i thought back to those moments, how could i savor those moments as the quote had offered? how funny that the "see the positive in everything" cliche came running in. really though...i had the bed to myself, i curled up with one of my kitties, i could make the bed whichever way i wanted, and once i got comfortable the only one who was going to possibly undo that was zen (my male cat). there were moments in my aloneness there where i found my moments of solitude and had a feeling of, however masked, appreciation and peace. so i thought perhaps remembering this concept from the quote in those moments would bring me back to this. i thought about my weight and wanting to be 10 pounds lighter, that proved harder. but finding comfort in that even in a small way helped me feel more authentic. interesting...i'm still resisting that. anyhow...

i had another thought this morning. my husband left for work and i usually jump out of bed and force myself to get going. this morning i decided to do something different. i decided to return to looking at things with the light. it was a bit harder this time. i guess i haven't noticed this low level anxiety that accompanies me beginning my day, like a low level hum. the moment i tried to pay attention to it or change that pattern it got louder. i normally, but not always, give in. time. time is a huge issue it seems. i had things to do, deadlines to meet (personal ones), the thoughts started racing: if i don't use this anxious energy to get up now...i won't workout, if i wait til this passes i'll be here for too long and it'll interfere with my day, (at this point my stomach started to take part and turn and tumble), i don't want to, i won't figure this out now. as i lay there i listened to each one of those voices bring their complaints. and returned to my breath. after that i looked around and tried using my tools, the ones i was trying to keep from last night. i waited, i enjoyed the way my body felt, and as i did i realized that my body actually felt quite comfy, like i was floating in some peaceful place, but those anxious thoughts kept trying to start in. i waited a bit more enjoying what i could, and when i felt enough of it had gone i got up, and almost started to hurry about to get things done.

not this time. i experimented and decided to take out the trash, clean the counter in the bathroom a bit. i enjoyed how peaceful it was to walk outside and took my time. i decided that even though i was tired, that this was a better way to start my day, and i was going to show myself and that anxious voice that i could workout and get things done despite what it had to say. i'm sure i'll really hear it tomorrow morning...or perhaps not. but for now i'm enjoying this.

i also wondered as i was working out about how to savor those moments. i couldn't take time to notice the light, i couldn't stop and think about things as much, i had to concentrate on working out. when i paused i took time to appreciate the cool breeze coming through the window and brushing up against my body, the smell seemed to permeate my senses. i tried to then really just feel while working out. feel the muscle groups working, try not to just zone out and get through it. even though i was tired and just wanted to get it out of the way, i decided to feel. it didn't stay with me the whole time, but it helped. that's when i decided i should start writing these things down so i don't forget.

then i took time after my workout, as i've been doing this week, to lay on my back...breath...and "relax my third eye" ( as my husband told me one day in bed not long ago...i bet he had no idea that i would integrate that into my daily life ). i realize these moments are important. and though i don't feel like i've made some pivotal realization, i think it means something to recognize this and try to integrate it.

who knows...we'll see how long this ends up lasting. i hope it stays though, and doesn't go in that pile of cliches i "played out".