the unraveling...to be continued...

Angry. Feeling alone. How did it come back to this?

fleeting moments of realization
the atrophied muscles becoming seen
as i try to move through i see my weaknesses
the pain...so much brighter than the sun...i have to turn away
business as usual doesn't work and i wonder what really does
at a loss and lost in the mists of the maze buried in the deep hidden places of the heart
frustration rules, madness has the key
somehow the strength that prevailed seems to fail me

hate is such a strong word
i can't bring myself to fully mean it when i think i hate some parts of him
how else shall i describe my loathing of his human actions
venting doesn't seem worth the torment
"be with the pain, go into it, be present with it, allow it to pass through you, breath with it, let it be there"...
what does this feel like?
what does it really mean?
why don't i seem to be able to grasp this?

mirrors and smoke
illusions, deceptions, mirrages
pointless hopelessness
loss

i think on what i read the other day
"let their spears tear into your heart and make their scars"
"open wide your heart"
"ferociously open heart"
"there is nothing to protect"
...nothing?
my heart, myself...
do my emotions put me in mortal danger (myself)? No.
will my heart stop beating? No.
what am i really trying to say...
my heart, myself = my emotions, the pain
if i am completely open i would have nothing to fear
if i knew how to go into the pain and let it pass through me and be present
i would have nothing to fear

can someone tell me how the fuck i do this?!?!

when i'm confronted with "it" i am afraid
that it will last for a looong time or forever, it did with my mother
that i would just be feeding it
that i would wallow in it and destroy all that is around me
that i would destroy myself
sometimes i think if i were to go deeper and further with it...into the depths...perhaps i may finally be free
they say that for some it takes hitting the absolute bottom of pain before experiencing satori

is it a dream only meant for some?

the lines are blurring
i don't know where i am anymore
some would say that's good, i might even say that if someone else had been the one saying it
i feel my strength leaving me
trickling out of my body like mist
afraid to breath lest i let out more

why can't i just come home and do what i enjoy?
a question i posed to myself the other day was:
what would i be doing right now if i didn't have to worry about disappointing someone else?
if it wasn't wrong being me...what would i do?
what would make me happy?
what do i like in my daily routine?
what makes home...home to me?

this morning a scary series of thoughts that began while in the shower (you know...the kind that happen in a blink):
i looked and saw i needed more body wash...i was out
i thought i need to buy some
then the thought continued to...
oh...i better not...who knows how much longer...
and...oh yes...you know the rest
i stopped it, but was shocked
later i thought it must have come up because i feel like i've been transported back in time to a dark dark place
this whole paragraph doesn't make sense to anyone but me, it's ok

starting a dialogue
i profess my innocence
nah, i'm not having it
but it's not my fault either
...is it?
the certainty sooo reassuring says a familiar voice
oh her, how many are there of us in here?
the voices that answer make me dizzy

a lovely distraction comes through with some help from me and a nudge from the universe
*tears* and a conversation with a friend from afar
and i remember more of who i am and what loves face looks like when it's unconditional and out there for all to see
"it's powerful medicine"
...yes...i like that...it sounds right...the time is coming...

turned my face from the goddess
reminded through dreams and totems
spirit shows me where my attention is needed
i thought it was a path that would disolve
why continue it then?
pursue unraveling the mystery, letting the veil of illusion go, seeing the real and expressing the higher being
...a worthy cause...
but did i toss the other aside in my search for truth?
where do i begin to pick up the pieces?
what is?
can i really see what is in this state?

this feels surreal

i feel like i live a life separate from the one i live
like a parallel universe, lived only in this reality simultaneously
...