this. absolution.
absolutely fitting for the name I chose. this absolution.
...exactly.
now I feel I can truly be free. too much time wasted on lies, secrets, guilt, and paranoya.
NO ONE HOLDS ANYTHING OVER ME ANYMORE!
I...I alone set myself free.
for a moment I thought I might not have the courage to tell all. but once I started...no matter how painful...I knew..I could not stop. if I was going to do this, I would need to do it fully and with integrity. the lies came spilling over. pauses and crying I told my horrible story. there it was laid out for him. years ago I was a harlot, I was the pimp, and I self sabotaged a beautiful relationship out of fear. I punished myself for nearly 3 yrs, and I allowed myself to be punished by him because of my own guilt.
I know there is some unwritten rule amongst some that says you can be unfaithful at the beginning of a relationship. though I’ve done this in the past, I don't feel that it was right...especially in his case.
I knew then that he was the most amazing person I’d ever had in a relationship. I felt so open, so naked, so comfortably exposed. for the first time I could tell my male partner anything and it would be ok. I could tell him about attractions, or things that may hurt him...and it was ok. for the first time in my life I didn't want to cheat, and for the first time in my life I felt I had a relationship filled with integrity. and I don't mean the kind of integrity that people pass off as integrity today. I mean integrity the way you imagine it would be in some chivalrous pagan tale.
somehow, we all slip into our dark habits. I’m no different. I was hurt by him, and proved many men the world over right when they say that women are vindictive. I faltered...5 times. with 2 friends of his (male and a female), 1 less close friend of his, 1 past lover, 1 past fling, and 1 random person.
...I fucked up royally.
...you hate me don't you? that is...if anyone is even reading this
when they say, "people always get their comeuppance", they're really right. accept...I did it to myself. also, our relationship saw hard times. we broke up twice and the last time was supposed to be forever. every bit of it...I thought I deserved in some way. and i did on some levels, but on the other hand he played his part in it and had no right to treat me in such a manner as well. he got his comeuppance too. we took turns being the victim and the abuser (emotionally). we saw bright times that ended far quicker than they should've on account of hidden secrets dragging me down a watery abyss, and the distance he created when he projected himself a million miles away.
but spirit had other plans for us. we were, as we knew all along in our hearts, meant to be together. and not in some hallmark way. but when you see the things we've seen, put us on parallel paths even when we weren't together, seen the synchronicities, and felt the gentle tug of spirit on the hems of our consciousness...then you would know, as we do, this is deeper than we even understand.
we married last year. it was beautiful. a part of me felt that I could cut ties with my "past life" and never have to speak of what haunted me. the people in our lives were constant reminders of what I was trying to conceal. I gave my word...better than gold, more than a promise, and only meant to be broken in death or being released from it. but if my word meant not giving this connection the purity it deserved...I could no longer hold myself to it, or label it honor to keep my word.
knowing I was putting my marriage at risk, and those who also gave their word. I broke my word for the first time in my life. for a chance at pure integrity in our connection as we once had, for...this absolution.
I was shocked to find that I am married to the most forgiving, understanding, loving, compassionate partner anyone could hope for, especially in our modern age. long story shorter...and for the sake of happy fingers...we talked, we embraced, we cried, we smiled and connected genuinely. more will come up...I know. however, my fears of abandonment proved unfounded. I feel a sense of peace that continues to grow. I saw through my eyes as I hadn't seen through them in almost 3 years, and I looked into the love of my life with great presence.
how hidden I was...not just from him, but also myself. I see how this bleed, poisoned, and fanned the flames of completely separate problems. I see how I lost my spirituality in myself, not because I was having trouble connecting to it through some self help medium but for dark lies. not even nature could coax me out of my darkness. all the while I had the power, and now I have finally used it. no longer will I have to look over my shoulder and perk up my ears, or masterfully mind situations and take great care in details...for no one will be telling him anything he doesn't already know now.
I am beyond lucky or blessed to have him by my side...and I by his.
and here is where it begins...
this.
absolution.
