1 post tagged “authenticity”
exploration with being vulnerable and completely authentic have lead me to some new realizations
...well, i knew of them in myself, however i didn't allow them to surface until now.
one big one, i'm more comfortable with women sexually than males
one wouldn't think this would be a surprise to me since i openly admit to being bi-sexual
when i thought about it though
i realized that i a know what to do with women more than men
my first sexual experiences with women were more comfortable exploration
there was no demand to perform or meet some expectation drawn up from media like there was with males
so i always felt safe
i never gave myself permission to do that with males
and when i think of it the guys i opened up to wouldn't have been open to that...at least it didn't seem that way
they were always too quick to get what they wanted
granted we're talking about teens, but i didn't meet any males that expressed the openness women did
so when i was with guys even if i felt a pressure to perform and meet expectations...
i such raging hormones that i quickly got past that and didn't really admit i didn't know what i was doing
i was only changing what i did or imagined with girls to apply it to them.
as a result, i left this void with men and my sexuality
i felt as though i missed out on an opportunity to really explore what men like, what to do with them
so now i almost feel like i have beginner's mind, which can be amazing
although i feel a bit embarrassed
i mean here i am in my 20's and i feel like a novice admitting this to myself
plus on one hand my mind wants to tell me it doesn't make sense
i mean i've had many healing, spiritual, hot, amazing, pleasurable experiences with men...
well mainly with my husband really
he's amazing!
when i discussed this with him the other day
he was so nurturing and understanding
he assured me that he is here for me
gave me full permission to be totally vulnerable and explore at a pace that is comfortable, safe, and fun for me
still i have this nagging voice in my mind that tells me that admitting this to him and opening myself up like this will end in my own pain
that he'll find other women who boast sexual prowess to be more and more appealing
so in a way it exposes insecurities with feeling like less than a woman compared to others
fears of abandonment
of being toooo vulnerable with someone who could take that and run
cause me pain as he has before, only this time i'd be way more open
but isn't that the way we're supposed to love
openly
as if there were no past
and wouldn't i be opening the doors to newer experiences of depth, or of greater heights than previously imagined?
imagine loving openly
living to that degree
fully experiencing the passion writers tempt us with...
i wonder if i'll make it there
i'd like to sustain that feeling of wanting to live each moment so open
when you're so available to the universe...
how can anything touch you?
you are impervious to the mortal perils we fool ourselves into believing
