3 posts tagged “unloading mind babble/blahhhging”
Angry. Feeling alone. How did it come back to this?
fleeting moments of realization
the atrophied muscles becoming seen
as i try to move through i see my weaknesses
the pain...so much brighter than the sun...i have to turn away
business as usual doesn't work and i wonder what really does
at a loss and lost in the mists of the maze buried in the deep hidden places of the heart
frustration rules, madness has the key
somehow the strength that prevailed seems to fail me
hate is such a strong word
i can't bring myself to fully mean it when i think i hate some parts of him
how else shall i describe my loathing of his human actions
venting doesn't seem worth the torment
"be with the pain, go into it, be present with it, allow it to pass through you, breath with it, let it be there"...
what does this feel like?
what does it really mean?
why don't i seem to be able to grasp this?
mirrors and smoke
illusions, deceptions, mirrages
pointless hopelessness
loss
i think on what i read the other day
"let their spears tear into your heart and make their scars"
"open wide your heart"
"ferociously open heart"
"there is nothing to protect"
...nothing?
my heart, myself...
do my emotions put me in mortal danger (myself)? No.
will my heart stop beating? No.
what am i really trying to say...
my heart, myself = my emotions, the pain
if i am completely open i would have nothing to fear
if i knew how to go into the pain and let it pass through me and be present
i would have nothing to fear
can someone tell me how the fuck i do this?!?!
when i'm confronted with "it" i am afraid
that it will last for a looong time or forever, it did with my mother
that i would just be feeding it
that i would wallow in it and destroy all that is around me
that i would destroy myself
sometimes i think if i were to go deeper and further with it...into the depths...perhaps i may finally be free
they say that for some it takes hitting the absolute bottom of pain before experiencing satori
is it a dream only meant for some?
the lines are blurring
i don't know where i am anymore
some would say that's good, i might even say that if someone else had been the one saying it
i feel my strength leaving me
trickling out of my body like mist
afraid to breath lest i let out more
why can't i just come home and do what i enjoy?
a question i posed to myself the other day was:
what would i be doing right now if i didn't have to worry about disappointing someone else?
if it wasn't wrong being me...what would i do?
what would make me happy?
what do i like in my daily routine?
what makes home...home to me?
this morning a scary series of thoughts that began while in the shower (you know...the kind that happen in a blink):
i looked and saw i needed more body wash...i was out
i thought i need to buy some
then the thought continued to...
oh...i better not...who knows how much longer...
and...oh yes...you know the rest
i stopped it, but was shocked
later i thought it must have come up because i feel like i've been transported back in time to a dark dark place
this whole paragraph doesn't make sense to anyone but me, it's ok
starting a dialogue
i profess my innocence
nah, i'm not having it
but it's not my fault either
...is it?
the certainty sooo reassuring says a familiar voice
oh her, how many are there of us in here?
the voices that answer make me dizzy
a lovely distraction comes through with some help from me and a nudge from the universe
*tears* and a conversation with a friend from afar
and i remember more of who i am and what loves face looks like when it's unconditional and out there for all to see
"it's powerful medicine"
...yes...i like that...it sounds right...the time is coming...
turned my face from the goddess
reminded through dreams and totems
spirit shows me where my attention is needed
i thought it was a path that would disolve
why continue it then?
pursue unraveling the mystery, letting the veil of illusion go, seeing the real and expressing the higher being
...a worthy cause...
but did i toss the other aside in my search for truth?
where do i begin to pick up the pieces?
what is?
can i really see what is in this state?
this feels surreal
i feel like i live a life separate from the one i live
like a parallel universe, lived only in this reality simultaneously
...
i was noticing how much the pantry cabinet has changed over the last months, and i had one of those time stopping movie feeling nostalgic moments. you know the ones that seem to be significant, but when you describe them it sounds the same as describing something as simple as picking up a pen. i don't know why it struck me, i guess for a moment i realized again how much has changed in our lives. displayed in front of me i felt both ends of the spectrum, mostly i felt happiness. it sounds simple but i mostly like our lil cabinet. if someone had catalogued what was in this pantry over the last year it would say a lot. i closed it in a pensive way. have you ever closed something like that? it's happened so many times i don't every really stop to think about it, but i do enjoy those moments...most times. everything seems to slow for moment while you linger on the thought or realization only a moment before, it feels like you're swimming in it.
funny how the simple things can feel so profound. someone will read this and wonder if i've ever really experienced anything profound. i think that because i have i can see the profundity in these smaller moments.
it makes me think of the state of the apartment, where it was, what it's like now, where it seems to be going. it makes me sad. although last night as i lay on the part of the couch my cat hadn't pissed on that evening i enjoyed the living room for the 1st time in a long time. it was another small moment, but i won't forget it. the tone of light seemed peaceful, though it's the same color that's been there all this time. somehow in that moment it was comforting and warm. i smiled, and realized i was afraid to ruin it. i realized what that meant and let it go. and i returned to the moment...it didn't leave...i did. isn't that the way it is with things though. we leave mentally, emotionally, or more obviously physically.
interesting thought...then where am i now? have i left or have we both? i can see it, us both leaving again and all that's left is the projections, a shell of what we wanted. we kill it don't we love?
i'm not sure where to go from here. i feel i'm watching and can't stop it. it makes my head spin. events come and go, moments slip through, days pass like city lights, and my head spins watching the signs pass on the subway...everything is blurring and i don't know where the lines are anymore, i look back and i can't see the starting point. if it's out of sight for us both then how will we find our way out. the adage "the blind leading the blind" feels appropriate here. i wonder how this will all turn out, sometimes i feel helpless. i'm here because i love him and part of me thinks there is no way that we can fail again...i can't let us. but i can't carry it all like i once did. sometimes it seems like the same problems and feelings have come up only to be swapped for others. it's like we came together and then traded off the problems we had and contributed, and here we are we doing things the other did but the problems are mostly the same. it's hard to describe.
it's not all morbid, i just need to balance out the emotions. i do love him so much. i wish he felt the way i want someone to feel about me. good thing is i don't want that someone to be someone else, before in our worst moments as we were about to break up i did wish sometimes that it would be someone else that would feel that way about me...just to restore my faith. really i think sometimes i want the impossible. maybe i do. maybe i should give it up (the dream of having someone feel those feelings for me), sounds like a child's dream. i am happy that he loves me so much, and he does try so hard, and he has grown...we've both done all these things. but at least now he's actually doing it too. i'm extatic about it even if it isn't conveyed here. i wish he knew that at least. i don't want to lose him again...and the thing is he doesn't either. so wtf right? i think counseling will unlock so much. anyhow...i'm obviously losing steam...i wrote what i needed to.
I was thinking about a conversation from earlier today about blogging/posting online. More specifically it was about whether or not to blog online in places where, if you're posting about someone you know or some situation someone is involved in, others who know the person (who may remain nameless) might see it.
For instance I have a situation with "X" and I write a poem about "X" not including their name, however it's posted in a forum where people that "X" knows may potentially stumble upon it...the chances aren't great...but anything is possible. I fully understand what it would feel like for "X" to even come across it, if it hurts in offline life it's bound to hurt online as well. A good point to bring up here is that I feel I'm very conscious about what I post and where. Another really good point here is I feel it's important to have places to fully express what I'd like. I've found that it touches people, but more importantly I feel naked...I've released and done it (I feel) tastefully.
Running into this dilemma in the past brought me to the decision to seek blogging, for full expression consciously tasteful or tormenting relentless release, elsewhere. So I used many other sources under many aliases to do my blogging. I didn't however find these sources to be so pleasing for a few reasons: if anyone uses my computer and checks my history while using my computer they'll see what I've written, if my husband uses the computer and I was angry and blogged about it he could be hurt by the release of steam, and having to worry about erasing the history in order to blog freely is a hassel that makes blogging more inconvenient for me. Could I just make those blogs private? Sure. Do I want to though? No. Why? Because for some reason I like the idea of having the world wide web as my release/confessional and getting comments from people about their perspectives and so on. So my next question is: Shouldn't we have someplace we can do this? The ultimate release in writing...can't we have this anywhere? And...How?
If you happen to read this...I'd like to hear your thoughts/experiences. What have you tried? What conscious solution did you come up with that pleased everyone including you? If you were the one blogged about...how did this make you feel? Suggestions?
