2 posts tagged “what is”
the moment often arises in the midst of the fog
where you find you've been drawn to a glimmering shimmering golden light
it beckons you closer, and though you can't feel it's warmth...you sense it
the memory of what it feels like is what keeps you, warms you and embraces you as it draws you in
the bassy beats
the mellow tone
the siren's deep song
they were all agents of spirit
i feel it...me...
vibrating, numb-tingling running through my veins
expansion from conscious thought
i feel it like a butterfly fluttering just above my skin
sensations of flight fill me
sending chills through my body
i won't label this feeling
i've learned at least that much
*may you all experience this at least once today*
i was noticing how much the pantry cabinet has changed over the last months, and i had one of those time stopping movie feeling nostalgic moments. you know the ones that seem to be significant, but when you describe them it sounds the same as describing something as simple as picking up a pen. i don't know why it struck me, i guess for a moment i realized again how much has changed in our lives. displayed in front of me i felt both ends of the spectrum, mostly i felt happiness. it sounds simple but i mostly like our lil cabinet. if someone had catalogued what was in this pantry over the last year it would say a lot. i closed it in a pensive way. have you ever closed something like that? it's happened so many times i don't every really stop to think about it, but i do enjoy those moments...most times. everything seems to slow for moment while you linger on the thought or realization only a moment before, it feels like you're swimming in it.
funny how the simple things can feel so profound. someone will read this and wonder if i've ever really experienced anything profound. i think that because i have i can see the profundity in these smaller moments.
it makes me think of the state of the apartment, where it was, what it's like now, where it seems to be going. it makes me sad. although last night as i lay on the part of the couch my cat hadn't pissed on that evening i enjoyed the living room for the 1st time in a long time. it was another small moment, but i won't forget it. the tone of light seemed peaceful, though it's the same color that's been there all this time. somehow in that moment it was comforting and warm. i smiled, and realized i was afraid to ruin it. i realized what that meant and let it go. and i returned to the moment...it didn't leave...i did. isn't that the way it is with things though. we leave mentally, emotionally, or more obviously physically.
interesting thought...then where am i now? have i left or have we both? i can see it, us both leaving again and all that's left is the projections, a shell of what we wanted. we kill it don't we love?
i'm not sure where to go from here. i feel i'm watching and can't stop it. it makes my head spin. events come and go, moments slip through, days pass like city lights, and my head spins watching the signs pass on the subway...everything is blurring and i don't know where the lines are anymore, i look back and i can't see the starting point. if it's out of sight for us both then how will we find our way out. the adage "the blind leading the blind" feels appropriate here. i wonder how this will all turn out, sometimes i feel helpless. i'm here because i love him and part of me thinks there is no way that we can fail again...i can't let us. but i can't carry it all like i once did. sometimes it seems like the same problems and feelings have come up only to be swapped for others. it's like we came together and then traded off the problems we had and contributed, and here we are we doing things the other did but the problems are mostly the same. it's hard to describe.
it's not all morbid, i just need to balance out the emotions. i do love him so much. i wish he felt the way i want someone to feel about me. good thing is i don't want that someone to be someone else, before in our worst moments as we were about to break up i did wish sometimes that it would be someone else that would feel that way about me...just to restore my faith. really i think sometimes i want the impossible. maybe i do. maybe i should give it up (the dream of having someone feel those feelings for me), sounds like a child's dream. i am happy that he loves me so much, and he does try so hard, and he has grown...we've both done all these things. but at least now he's actually doing it too. i'm extatic about it even if it isn't conveyed here. i wish he knew that at least. i don't want to lose him again...and the thing is he doesn't either. so wtf right? i think counseling will unlock so much. anyhow...i'm obviously losing steam...i wrote what i needed to.
